Okay, so one day I was on a long ride, and had some time to kill. I’ve always enjoyed Solitaire, though I haven’t played it for a few years. However, since my tablet was fully charged, I figured that it was a good opportunity to download a Solitaire app, and get back into the game. And hey, I figured, why not do Spider Solitaire while I’m at it?
So anyway, I go into the Google Play Store, and as I start typing “Spider,” it pulls up a search for “Spider-Man games.”
Now, I have to admit, I’m not a gamer. Don’t get me wrong, I shot up my fair share of demons back in the Doom days, but the world has changed a lot since then. However, as longtime readers know, I’m pretty passionate about superheroes, and Spider-Man in particular. Seeing the term “Spider-Man games” got me immensely curious about how such an acrobatic character could be adapted to a game playable by cell phones and tablets. Was it even possible?
I had to know. So I accepted the search for “Spider-Man Games,” but I could have never prepared for the array of hilariously dubious parodies that soon presented themselves to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get it: programmers want to make their own Spidey game, and can’t afford the official license, so they skate as close to the edge as they can without tipping over it. Nonetheless, the results are pretty amusing. Coming up ahead, here are the best ones I saw.
Hey, it’s Spidey vs. Doctor Octopus, just like Spider-Man 2!
Oh, wait. No, it’s not. It’s just a spider-themed vigilante in a Spider Adventure, facing off against a bad guy with metal arms. What a weird coincidence, huh? Though I don’t know if that’s actually a spider on the hero’s chest, a biohazard symbol, or some weird combination of the two. Maybe it’s an abstract representation of a nuclear-powered spider. Who knows.
Anyway, according to its description, Spider Hero is an open world adventure that gives the player the opportunity to become a “guardian of the universe” (note, not the galaxy) by stopping a corporation from creating an army of mutants. Hey, sounds good. The game gets really good reviews, so if you’re curious, you can download it here on the Play Store.
Stickman Rope Hero
Okay, Spider Adventure was one thing, but now it’s starting to get silly. This game lets you pilot around a hero who looks a lot like Spider-Man — but he isn’t Spider-Man, he’s the Stickman Rope Hero. And those aren’t webs he’s swinging around on, oh no, those are ropes. Can’t you tell?
Just to make sure that you never confuse this badass dude with that punk Peter Parker kid, the Stick Man Rope Hero takes on his enemies with some heavy duty military weapons, including machine guns, bazookas, and tanks. So he’s more like the Punisher… except, uh, he swings around on “ropes.” This game also gets really good reviews, so give it a look here.
Huh, it’s weird how much this “Strange Hero” looks like another spider-themed vigilante. It’s also weird how this screenshot shows him doing exactly the same pose as the opening scene of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, but y’know what, when a hero’s gotta jump into action, there are only so many ways he can do it.
However, while Spider-Man generally takes on crooks and burglars, the plot of this Strange Hero game has you stopping a whole alien invasion. So hey, that’s cool. Take that, Avengers!
Here is the game’s page, if you want to check it out.
Amazing Spider City Survival
I know that you think that the superhero in the image above is Spider-Man, but it’s not. You know how you can tell? Because Spider-Man wears red and blue, whereas this guy — the “Amazing Spider Superhero” — wears yellow and purple. See? On top of that, I’ve never seen Spider-Man fly through the air carrying lifelike clothing mannequins from the mall… oh wait, is that supposed to be a live civilian? Hmm. Maybe this is some kinda weird planking competition.
Well, whatever this guy is doing with that planking champion, the game’s description seems like a quest that the real Peter Parker would probably approve of, since it involves saving the city from gangsters, or something along those lines. Give it a look here.
Snake Slither and Block
Okay, now this game here has officially gone too far for me to handle. Looking at the image above, I don’t whether to laugh, cry, or scream in terror. The more I stare at it, the more I can’t figure out whether I’m looking at Spider-Man, or the classic old “snake” game, or Pac-Man, or Tetris, or some bizarre mutant combination of all those things at once. It’s just too much!
And with that said, I’m officially Spidered out. Time to take a deep breath, and watch Spider-Man: Homecoming again.
What about you guys? Have you all encountered similarly hilarious ripoff games before—whether Spidey-related or otherwise—and what were they like?